Plumbing adventures 
(some suggestions by the HCSUCS team, after listening to my first draft)
See http://www.math.harvard.edu/~knill/various/standup/ 

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I broke my pinky, and it's hard to get people to care about it.

I was on a run and I fell and broke my pinky damn near off. It popped
over to a 90 degree angle. I know this because, as a mathematician,
I always have a protractor on me. Also, my protractor broke.

Good thing that the middle finger wasn't broken, am I right? Otherwise,
everyone in Harvard Square would just think I was flicking them off,
when I only really meant it like half the time.

[30 dollar copay at each place, goes full circle, this is fucked you
have to go back to HUHS, otherwise known as "whoos"]

And it's hard to be the guy in the emergency room with a broken pinky,
I was sitting next to a cook who severed a vein in his arm and was
bleeding out, and he wouldn't stop whining. And I'm like, "you think
you've got it tough, I just broke# my protractor."

And with each cycle of the loop, they'd check my blood pressure and
it would be higher and higher. "Are you experiencing any stress?" "Me#
noooooooo (sarcasm). Funny thing doc, think my middle finger is broken
too." The good news is, I just checked, and my blood pressure is back
to normal. The bad news, to get it back down I had to drink like a whole
liter of blood.

The timing of this show is kind of convenient. Today is National Hug
Your Plumber Day. Which is weird because the only situation I ever see
my plumber in, doesn't put me in a very hug-friendly mood.

I've had plumbing issues but not any more or less than the natural
average of a man my age and weight. My toilet busted a couple of years
ago; whenever I flushed, the street and there would be shit on the
street. So I took my protractor out, and I said, "that's fucked up."

So I called a plumber, National Plumber day, and the plumber snaked the
drain to see what was wrong, and it cost $800 (copay), and all I could
do was watch, nothing else, I didn't even get to touch the hole. Let me
just tell you, I know the industry, for 800 dollars, at the very least,
you should get to poke around a little bit.

The snake didn't work, so he had to have a specialist tear up his drain,
and this time it cost $8000 (there was no co-payment), but I could do
more than watch, and I got to touch everything I wanted to.

I'm a parent of 12. I was mommy to 4 chickens (you could've gotten 2000
chickens). I adopted them, went to where anyone adopts: amazon. [the
first person they see, that is their mommy]

Newton, Leibniz, Cauchy. You may recognize some of these names,
unsurprisingly, there's some of history's toughest mother fuckers.

Unfortunately, they all had untimely deaths. Newton was decapitated. My
friends like to joke that an apple fell from a tree onto his head,
but all the signs point to it being a hawk# that dropped the apple. He
didn't die in vain, we had chicken soup the next day. Leibniz was
killed by a raccoon for her egg. Obviously the raccoon was that kind of
vegetarian. The next day, we had chicken soup. Lagrange was killed by a
fisher cat who was still in the garage when i found him. The next day,
we had fisher cat soup.

For those that paid attention, my chicks only account for 1/3 of my
babies. As soon as my chick mommy life ended, I entered a new stage in
parenthood: LEMON DADDY

Unfortunately, much like happiness, Boston weather is not conductive
for lemon tree life.

But, inside, there are no bees. We all know what the birds and the bees
do. So, I did it myself# by myself... with a toothbrush, and am now the
happy father of 8 lemons# and the proud husband of a toothbrush. The
next day, we had lemon soup.